It just be like that sometimes

In our living room on our TV we have the photos from our pregnancy announcement of Sage playing through, almost like a screensaver. Everytime I look at them it blows my mind how that was at the beginning of this year. In so many ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

The last few months of 2018 honestly have been rough. I am definitely in a season right now that part of me is anxiously awaiting the end of.

But 2018 was a big year for us. I took on my Waldorf Teacher Certification program, I was pregnant, and then had our son, all on top of being a wife and a mother and of course still a teacher. Postpartum was harder than I was expecting and I am still crawling my way out of it. Most days I feel so far away from myself.

So I look at these pictures of me from February and feel like I am looking at a different person, someone who had no idea where her year would take her. When I brought Sage into the world I also had to mourn a version of myself. I no longer could as easily get a night alone or even get in the car to grab a cup of coffee. Philip did his best but I now know that I am a woman that needs an identity outside of motherhood and when I was thrown headfirst back into full time motherhood I didn’t know what to make of myself.  Suddenly I was grasping at superficial forms of instant gratification to fill my cup and even define my worth. With someone who has a bad history with this very practice, it was a slippery slope.

So here I am crawling out of the year, myself and my marriage gathered by threads. It would be very easy, too easy , to self destruct right now. I could dwell on the shittiness or I could just be with it without letting it become who I am. Through all of this I have had really good people and one of them kept telling me, “it just be like that sometimes.” Sometimes life is shitty, and hard and ugly. And no, midnight won’t necessarily bring a different reality but it is giving me a platform to sift through what went wrong, what I can change, and probably more importantly what I can’t change; and lean in to that.

The other day I was playing outside in the backyard with Zelda when I noticed that one of my potted succulents had fallen from the deck railing and was growing (beautifully mind you) right where it landed. I think this is the image I am going to take with me into 2019.

Philip and I talked about our goals as a family and we both agreed, this is a year to grow where we are planted. To strengthen our roots and tend to our seeds.

I jotted down some goals for the coming year; some material some spiritual or emotional but I found a couple repeating themes.

Focus. Simplify. Heal. Grow.

Luckily I am still far off from the version of myself that would tack a number or a “fitspo” pinterest board on the end as a goal.

The past few years have been extremely eventful for us, and the next few presumably will be a lot of the same (ie: raising young children, working full time, working towards teacher certification) so it will be nice to slow down (something I am very bad at doing).

2018 gave me, and taught me a lot. I am grateful for our son, my career, my family, and my husband. I am grateful for my tenacity and strength and for Philip’s understanding and caring heart.

So I am not walking into the year with the “this will be the best one yet!” mentality that I see a lot. It may very well be another very hard year, because well “it just be like that sometimes.” But it certainly won’t be that way forever.

So here is to 2019, and to growing where we are planted.